EPA Announces New Initiative to Conserve Whatever’s Left - the Onion

In an effort to forestall the nation’s decline in biodiversity and ecological resources, representatives from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announced an expansive new initiative Wednesday aimed at the conservation of whatever’s left.

Speaking at a morning press conference, EPA officials told reporters that their new $70 million Save What We Can campaign is directed toward protecting the nation’s remaining plant and animal populations, as well as its lakes, marshes, woodlands, and other habitats “insofar as those things are still around.”

“By working together with scientists, lawmakers, and various conservation groups, we hope to preserve those ecosystems and forms of wildlife that have actually managed to hang in there for this long,” said EPA administrator Gina McCarthy, calling for broad-based environmental stewardship to maintain any natural areas that may still contain a handful of species here and there.  “Bears, flowers, tree frogs, maybe even a river or two—if they’re still out there, we’ll do our best to find and conserve them.”

“Basically, whichever organisms are living right now, we’re going try to keep them alive,” she continued.  “If that’s still a possibility.”

EPA Announces New Initiative to Conserve Whatever’s Left - the Onion